Whose Job is it Anyway?

My children were very social from an early age. At first, I arranged the play dates and made sure everyone showed up on time. But as the children got older and their friends began to show up at my doorstep on their own, I soon learned that if I didn't enforce certain rules I would lose control of the household. With my husband traveling 50 percent of the time, it was a lot of kids and only one of me.

I expected every child to ring the bell, regardless of whether our door was open or not. I also expected every child to say hello and introduce themselves if I didn't know them. When I began kicking kids out who walked in without saying hello, I quickly became known as the wicked witch of the west.  

At our house, it was definitely "my way or the highway." I refused to let anyone visit unless they followed our rules, which included eating in the kitchen, washing their hands and behaving in a normal manner. Needless to say, I didn't make a lot of friends in the neighborhood. I even had several parents call, outraged that I didn't let their child in the house just because they refused to say hello. Those who "got it" practically lived in my house, and now call me "mama Yana." Those that didn't are still not allowed in.

As our children's friends morphed into teenagers, I was the one who took out their piercings and cautioned that tattoos are permanent. I was the one who held them when they cried over breakups. My husband and I were the ones who took care of them when they showed up at our house drunk and sick because they were too afraid to go home. When their parents threw them out, it was our house they lived in. And it was me they listened to as I lectured day after day, sounding like a broken record, endlessly repeating the values that had been instilled in me.

When they went off to college and came home for winter or summer break, it was our house they rushed to right from the airport. They couldn't wait to fill us in on their latest accomplishments, and my husband and I took great pride in watching them learn to take responsibility for their own lives. Of course, some of them stumbled in the process, but with time they picked up where they left off and started over. It was hard watching them make bad choices and then pay a heavy price, but it was all part of growing up.

With our three older kids, I never got tired of repeating right from wrong. I never lost my enthusiasm for pointing out that "this you do and that you don't." But somewhere along the line my patience and persistence got worn down.  Now I feel like it's someone else's turn.

Recently we took a trip with our kids and their friends, most of who had grown up in our house and knew the rules. However, our youngest daughter brought a friend that she recently met. The difference soon became obvious.

The trip was full of fun and laughter, with all the older kids picking on me as I used to pick on them. They recalled how I drove them mad with all my rules, and how they were petrified of my husband and me. It warmed my heart to see how they had turned out, as I felt they were all our kids and that I would do anything for them.  

The next day, however, I realized that my daughter's new friend was not blending well within my perfect picture. She was not accustomed to cleaning up after herself or helping out with chores (one of my cardinal rules), and her demeanor did not fit well within our family.  

That night I told my husband that I was upset we brought her with us, that she was interfering with our synergy. My husband, the saint, reminded me that she was "new," and that we needed to teach her as we did the other kids, that it would take time, and blah, blah, blah.  

Before he could finish his sentence I abruptly proclaimed, "I'm done! I'm sick and tired of preaching and lecturing. I'm tired of being the wicked witch. And I'm tired of constantly pointing out right from wrong."  

The good thing is, I no longer have to do these things. Our kids are well-behaved adults, and our job is done. So do I really need to do this again? Do I even want to? The answer was apparent before I even asked the question. Absolutely not!  

I asked this 10 years ago, and now I'm asking again: when are parents going to start taking responsibility and teach their children the basics of good manners and appropriate etiquette? Why do I have to be the one to keep pointing out that "please," "hello," "thank you" and other common courtesies should be part of everyone's disposition?  

In our society, courtesy and respect seem to be in very short supply. Not to mention an appalling lack of manners. It didn't used to be this way. But unless someone teaches them, the younger generation cannot learn these important life skills on their own.

So I ask you again, whose job is it anyway?